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Left Behind Review: yes we were

Film: Left Behind – yes we were

Left behind is more boring than your child’s school play and as unfunny and uplifting as Nicholas Cage’s career trajectory. I don’t know if it wants to tell a religious story because there was no story and I don’t know if the studio hired a single actor because there was no acting. What I do know is that ‘Left Behind’ is so bad and so destructive that it surely is a sign that the end of times is near. Oh how god chooses to punish us.

Left Behind starts with Chloe Steele (Cassi Thomson), a non-believer, who’s always felt that her mother’s love for Jesus Christ outweighed and tarnished not only her family but also her marriage. Incidentally, her mother’s biblical warnings prove ever apparent when millions of people start to disappear. It is at that moment that Chloe and the rest of the world begin to question their faith and their beliefs.

The film then tries to juggle, but drops, multiple crumbling characters and narratives. The score is all over the place; what I can only guess is meant to be uplifting music plays when fire rages across the a selection of TV Movie shots, whilst the tempo reaches supposed fever pitch when Nicholas Cage sifts through a hand bag. The melodrama is utterly astounding and the performances are laughable.

But, let’s not kid ourselves. This is a movie for people of faith and it is with that prior knowledge that I feel sorry for people of faith. Not because they submit to fate via the hand of a higher power – that is their belief and more power to them – but the fact that they have to watch crap like this to see their beliefs play out on the big screen.

But Left Behind’s main pitfall, of which it is guilty of thousands, is that nothing happens. Lea Thompson shows up for 5 minutes, which is surprising considering her career was all but over after being penetrated by a talking Howard the duck at the height of her popularity. Nicholas Cage plays himself but isn’t unleashed to full beast mode so we don’t get any entertainment from him.

And then Martin Klebba, who has the unfortunate plight of being mistaken for Verne Troyer, makes a misguided appearance teeming with horrible ‘comedy’.

Often when a bad movie is released it comes with the intention to make audiences laugh at its stupidity and its ‘jokes’. I couldn’t laugh.

Left Behind is a porn parody without the sex and commendable acting. It’s a film that takes itself too seriously even when it struts on stage wearing a pair of crotch-less leather pants and nipple tassels. Left Behind? Yes we were and gladly.

Score – F

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