Dealing with Ovary-Acting

Ears are insulted by undeserved abuse. Faces drop glooming and looming over a pit of sadness. When friends have Aunt Irma visiting it isn’t the most pleasant time of the month, for you or for them. Especially for them. But you have to take it, forgive it and most importantly forget it. We all have our bad days, some of us more than others. And when lady friends are on ‘it’ then they’re not really themselves. In some cases, and believe me I have dealt with many nutcases, they are not themselves.

“Instead they are transformed into some sort of demon who devours all hope and happiness from the room as though the gates of hell have opened.”

Overreaction and Exaggeration? Probably. Oh who am I kidding. Probably. But at the end of the day, it’s nice to be a little poetic.

This isn’t a sexist or misogynistic rant about female persecution during ‘that’ time of the month but rather a look at how an ironic and experienced onlooker deals with the situation and the minute trails and tribulations he goes through.

“And you know, there’s probably someone reading right now that’s on they’re period. And if you are, you look lovely and I’m sorry.”

But let me, like Americans on Black Friday, rush in with the words and handbags and rush out before anyone sees or hears me. When I’m replying to a text or an instant message, more thought is needed.

Gone is the 10 second to think-and-write-reply ‘I’m alright’ and in are the ‘I’m good, I guess, what about you?’; always ask them how they feel. They need to know that someone cares, that they aren’t alone in an otherwise painful and annoying situation. They’ll always deny that they don’t care if you don’t care but trust me they want to know that you are thinking about them, that you empathise with them.

If possible, whenever permitted, compliment them, not too hastily or aggressively but small doses of love to shift the attention from the growing maroon hatred.

‘Your hair looks nice’, ‘you’re looking better’ and ‘I really like that top’ are staples of my packed sack of complimentary ammunition.

If you’re on a Skype call (unabashedly ashamed advertising. Well, not really, Skype aren’t giving me squat diddly), note their fashion and clothes even if they don’t want you to. Never mention the face, eye bags or paleness of the skin. They know they look like crap so terrible lies won’t change that.

Make quick fast jokes. When you’re on a roll and she’s literally ‘ROLF-ing’ sense the upper hand and go in for the final blows. If you can take her mind of it for even 5 minutes no doubt she will be grateful. This advice, of course, can be attributed to many things.

“Hell, I’ve had to deal with guys who PMS harder than any girl I’ve ever met. We all have ‘that’ time of the month some way or another.”

Don’t smile too much. They don’t like it when you’re happier than they are. In their minds you should feel and endure the same suffering that they are experiencing at present. If you’re a natural grinner, cover your mouth or turn your head. Think of something disgusting like, well I was going to say Louis Litt from Suits but that man is a god. Nevertheless quash that grin and keep it under control. Polite nods will do and on occasion a wink.

This may all seem like too strategic and too thorough to be centered on dealing with women under the spell of PMS but believe me when I say this, it’s a battleground.

“Some men and women survive the insult grenades through luck or sheer experience, others simply fail at dealing with it and fall at the wayside because sooner or later, you’re going to deal with someone whose ovary-acting.”


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